If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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