He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
