My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i dont even know how to be here
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
