the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
