yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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