Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
