wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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