I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I need to calm my uterus...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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