I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
