Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
