Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
