I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
