I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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