I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
