I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
