so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
