So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
