I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
