Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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