Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
