I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
