Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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