Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The beer is more important than you right now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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