the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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