I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
