I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I wish you could order shots online.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
