First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
