her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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