anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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