I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And then my night got REAL pukey
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
