dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Say something about gay babies.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Found your dick twin last night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize