It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
