I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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