you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
