The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
