She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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