i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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