wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize