We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
