My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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