Four minutes until I can fart!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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