I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
