we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
