You're completely useless in the revolution.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
