Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
