Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
