yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
