Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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