You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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