My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
