were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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