I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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