you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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