I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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