I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
