Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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