eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
