Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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