I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
This house was built for laser tag.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
