Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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