I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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