I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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