Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
